Last week, I sat the final exam in my three year course. It did not go well.
In the days before, I did little with my spare time but immerse myself in notes, textbooks and endless calculations. I thought I was more prepared than I could ever be and I knew the content of the module inside out. I was wrong. What greeted me when I opened my exam on the computer was like nothing I had seen before. Fair enough, most of it was content which I had revised, with a few basics from other modules thrown in. But it was presented in such a different way that it threw me. I floundered, I panicked a little, I did what I could and I left feeling deflated.
I spent the walk home from the train station wrapped up in my thoughts. I had hoped that the hard work would all be over and I would be able to relax and enjoy the summer with my little boy and nothing else on my mind. I was angry. At myself, at the questions which had been presented to me, at the unfairness of it, that on top of a cancelled graduation this had happened, at the fact that it was all really just down to bad luck.
And then I reached my house. I looked up at it, this house which had become my home through a series of circumstances, and I suddenly felt guilty. What was I doing, feeling so sorry for myself and my bad luck, when I have more than my fair share of good luck?
No matter how horrible that dayand how frustrating the past months had been, I have a home much better than I could have imagined, with a garden and such lovely neighbours. I have a good relationship with my wonderful man who I love so much, I have one amazing, happy little boy and a whole summer ahead of adventure with him. When put into perspective, a cancelled graduation, a possible failed exam, a probability of more work and exams to come when I thought it would be over, all of these things are insignificant in comparison to the good things in my life.
I let myself into my house, I set about making a beef stew and I welcomed home my boys. I took every negative emotion I was feeling and I let it all go. It felt good.