Has been one of those times in life when everything gets a little too much.
The house still isn’t sorted. With ongoing works due to unforseen circumstances, there are still parts of every room, corners, little spaces, which are filled with mess. I still cant find things, still have to move boxes around, still feel despair over it all when I walk into a room. Its in the way. Of space, of time, of life. I’ve not been able to get out the sewing machine for a while. I’ve been looking for a free afternoon to sit at the table to cut, piece, sew and not think about anything else. But I havent yet been able to find it.
I miss my sister. My best and longest friend. On the other side of the world for over a month now. I see her photographs and read her stories on Flikr and wish I could taste a little of it. More than anything I want her still home but I see the amazing things she is seeing and doing and I feel proud of her. And if I’m honest, a little jealous even, for her freedom.
My college days are coming to an end, and the end is the hardest part. A four thousand word report to write, the last few exams to get through. I’m amazed that I have managed to acheive this when a few years ago I thought I was going nowhere. One month from now, I will be wearing academic gowns and a mortar board, but for that to happen, I have to work and work and not even think of stopping until its all over.
There have been many changes for me recently, all at once. Life is like a fairground ride at the moment. Over the last week, I felt like I was slowly but surely climbing to the top of a roller coaster. Everything building up and up, my chest tightening, waiting, waiting..
Three nights ago, I fought with my boyfriend over silly things, and it was the last straw. Filled with frustration over everything which is not going right or becoming too much, I screamed for a while. It felt good and awful all at the same time. I ran, sobbing, to my Mum’s house. She held me and I felt like a child. Theres something wonderful about my Mother that, even though I’m grown, just being with her makes everything feel good again.
I let a lot of it out in that half hour, surrendering to it all. I feel much better. I still have a million things to think about, still have thousands of words to write, still miss my wonderful sister, still have little me time, but coping with everything has got much easier. To be perfectly honest, I had been running away from it all, but now I have turned to face it and deal with it. Screaming is wonderful therapy. Mums are amazing. And time out for an hour on a Saturday afternoon with sunshine and ice cream was just what I needed to smile again.