2012 was seen in quietly here. The best way. And rather shockingly, five year old J managed to stay up past midnight to watch fireworks (though there were overtired tears when bedtime came). I’m not really one for New Years resolutions, but I do like to reflect on life and this year have simply decided to be more aware of making the right choices. Whether that be choosing not to eat that biscuit, choosing to do that job now rather than later, or choosing to just fight that little bit harder for what I want. I would like to live more in the moment, but looking towards making a better future. Ah, a New Year! Fresh starts, big dreams, new beginnings.

I started this year with the end of my temporary work contract, so my days have been a little slow. Coming back to a quiet home after the school run to eat my breakfast in wonderful silence is something I had missed. I put on music to potter about the house to. Cleaning, tidying and prettifying our family space. Its a simple way of life. Though still stressful a lot of the time, it has a tranquility about it. But it does get boring, its very monotonous, and there is a certain lonliness in spending my days like this. A change of scenery is important every now and then, whether it be lunch with a friend or simply getting out into the garden every once in a while. Its no fun being a stay at home mother when your child is at school for the majority of the day, though I’m not averse to spending time alone. I would love to become self employed one way or the other and I hope that happens soon, and as smoothly as possible.

My boy continues to make me proud, and to make me smile. He came home from school last week with this photograph in his bookbag, and told me he was “doing a big cheese.” He’s the best.

I lose passion, I lose hope. I lose my way.

Usually, the grass is the same amount of green on both sides of the fence, its just a different type of grass. But sometimes, I look up and without warning it suddenly seems so much greener on the other side. I know its just a trick of the mind, because my head isn’t in the right place. I’ve been spending too much time looking back into the past and everything which came before, when I should be looking towards everything which is to come.

I forget my purpose, I forget my priorities, I forget the point of it all.

I go to a dark place and I find myself there. I stumble through that dark place while I rediscover all that is good in my life.  And slowly, I bring myself back again, back to the present, facing the right direction – forward, to what comes next. It takes some convincing but when I am out again and in the right place in my mind, I wonder how I let myself get lost like that.

It takes courage to go into a dark place but still have the strength to bring myself back instead of being swallowed by it. It never takes too long to find myself again, and for that I am grateful.

“I dont want you to go to work, why do you have to go to work now?”

“Because thats when they need me to work sometimes.”

“But its getting dark outside, why arent you going to go to bed like me?”

“I wish I could go to bed like you!”

“You should pretend you’re sick and then you can not go to work and rest in bed instead.”

“That would be nice, but its a bit naughty, what if they found out I was lying?”

“Dont worry, I will tell them you really were sick.”

“But then its even naughtier because we would both be lying, Id better just go to work do you think?”

“Ok.”

I was thinking about this conversation at 9.45pm as I stood in the freezing cold waiting for the (very late) bus home.

I was thinking what a great idea staying in bed would have been.

I wondered why I didn’t take my five year old’s advice.

Listen to your Mum, Mums always know best. Sons know a good thing or two, too.

For anyone not accustomed to a five year old’s handwriting and/or spelling (helped him out a bit on that one but its always interesting to see how he spells words himself) my son’s christmas wish list is decoded here:

Double Scooter
Go-kart
Legos
Gun
DVDs
Ninja Costume
DS and Games
Ben 10 Car

(sssh! I may have given him the idea for the Ben 10 Car because I’ve already got one for him, and also gently reminded him of the toys which he saw in the toyshop last week, but only the ones which I went back to buy.)

I told myself I wouldnt buy anything till last minute, so I that only get what I need and don’t spend too much, but with my sister in the US and my brother on deployment with the Navy, I went to get their presents early and ended up buying pretty much everything else at the same time. Wrapping has even begun – usually at this point I’ve barely thought about Christmas, I dont know whats come over me.

So, yes its been good. Not a total success, I missed out those three days but I also realised that I can blog more, and its not as difficult as I would have originally thought. I even managed two posts a day on occasion! I dont think I will do it again, it was very stressful, time wise, like an extra thing on the to do list, niggling away at me in my head. But I will definately make the effort to blog more, and be more a part of the blogging community. So its been good, Im glad I decided to take part. And I hope you have enjoyed reading over the past month!

Happy Birthday to me… I opened my presents, dropped my son off at school and had a whole six hours just for myself. No housework, no work, no running around doing things which had to be done. Just a bubble bath, a film, a glass of wine, some crochet and a lot of chocolate. A me day. Oh, it was amazing!

M: I wish I was a werewolf, ’cause then I could go out and run around, howling.

J: But you’d be naked.

M: I’d be all hairy though, wouldnt I.

J: Who let the dogs out!

There are a lot of strange conversations around here. And a lot of silliness. Its brilliant to watch.

Its an admirable thing to parent someone else’s child, and it’s great to see them gel so well.