Home Day

In the midst of the madness that is half term, J and I found ourselves with an unexpected day in which we had Nothing Much Planned and spent a lovely day together at home doing just that: Nothing Much, letting the day take us where it wished, moment by moment.

A day filled with the secretive making of things,

helpful painting of things,

and excited baking (and eating) of things.

We collected eggs (four!), planted roses (me) and blew lots and lots of bubbles (him). We had hot chocolate and marshmallows by the fire and made a shooting range for the Nerf guns before he went to Nana’s for tea.

A wonderfully slow, leisurely day at home, just the two of us.

Saturday is Caption Day

Caption this one in the comments.

Saturday is Caption Day over at Mammasaurus

Second Chances

My son once walked into the middle of the road in front of a car. He was two years old.

I only took my eyes off him for a moment, but a moment is all it takes for a child to walk off the kerb. I didn’t see what happened in the few seconds between looking away from him, and looking back again, but suddenly, my boy was in the middle of the road. And a car was speeding towards him.

In slow motion, I was aware of every thought passing through my mind, realising every scenario which could unfold from that point. I saw the shock in the driver’s face when he was there in front of her and her relief when he was gone again.

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had got there a few seconds later than I did. If, instead of stepping onto the safety of the pavement clutching my little boy, I had in that moment been watching my worst nightmare unfold in front of my helpless, outstretched arms and wide-open scream. What if I had been a little further away, what if he had walked out when the car was that little bit closer to him, what if I hadnt looked back around until it was too late?

Thankfully, I can go on wondering and I will never know. For that, I am so grateful.

New Beginnings

I lost my blogging mojo for a little while. Im not entirely sure why. Maybe I was all blogged out by NaBloPoMo. Perhaps it was a lack of things to write about, but no, I still write in other places. More a lack of the right things, appropriate for this space, to write about. And a sudden awareness of it all, making me feel a little bashful and quite nervous about writing in this way, so openly. Writing like I do here is very against my character, being naturally guarded and introverted. But then again, maybe this is my antidote.

2012 was seen in quietly here. The best way. And rather shockingly, five year old J managed to stay up past midnight to watch fireworks (though there were overtired tears when bedtime came). I’m not really one for New Years resolutions, but I do like to reflect on life and this year have simply decided to be more aware of making the right choices. Whether that be choosing not to eat that biscuit, choosing to do that job now rather than later, or choosing to just fight that little bit harder for what I want. I would like to live more in the moment, but looking towards making a better future. Ah, a New Year! Fresh starts, big dreams, new beginnings.

I started this year with the end of my temporary work contract, so my days have been a little slow. Coming back to a quiet home after the school run to eat my breakfast in wonderful silence is something I had missed. I put on music to potter about the house to. Cleaning, tidying and prettifying our family space. Its a simple way of life. Though still stressful a lot of the time, it has a tranquility about it. But it does get boring, its very monotonous, and there is a certain lonliness in spending my days like this. A change of scenery is important every now and then, whether it be lunch with a friend or simply getting out into the garden every once in a while. Its no fun being a stay at home mother when your child is at school for the majority of the day, though I’m not averse to spending time alone. I would love to become self employed one way or the other and I hope that happens soon, and as smoothly as possible.

My boy continues to make me proud, and to make me smile. He came home from school last week with this photograph in his bookbag, and told me he was “doing a big cheese.” He’s the best.

Silent Sunday

In a funk

Sometimes, I lose myself.

I lose passion, I lose hope. I lose my way.

Usually, the grass is the same amount of green on both sides of the fence, its just a different type of grass. But sometimes, I look up and without warning it suddenly seems so much greener on the other side. I know its just a trick of the mind, because my head isn’t in the right place. I’ve been spending too much time looking back into the past and everything which came before, when I should be looking towards everything which is to come.

I forget my purpose, I forget my priorities, I forget the point of it all.

I go to a dark place and I find myself there. I stumble through that dark place while I rediscover all that is good in my life.  And slowly, I bring myself back again, back to the present, facing the right direction – forward, to what comes next. It takes some convincing but when I am out again and in the right place in my mind, I wonder how I let myself get lost like that.

It takes courage to go into a dark place but still have the strength to bring myself back instead of being swallowed by it. It never takes too long to find myself again, and for that I am grateful.

Sons know best.

I dropped J of to sleep over at his Granny’s house before my evening shift today:

“I dont want you to go to work, why do you have to go to work now?”

“Because thats when they need me to work sometimes.”

“But its getting dark outside, why arent you going to go to bed like me?”

“I wish I could go to bed like you!”

“You should pretend you’re sick and then you can not go to work and rest in bed instead.”

“That would be nice, but its a bit naughty, what if they found out I was lying?”

“Dont worry, I will tell them you really were sick.”

“But then its even naughtier because we would both be lying, Id better just go to work do you think?”

“Ok.”

I was thinking about this conversation at 9.45pm as I stood in the freezing cold waiting for the (very late) bus home.

I was thinking what a great idea staying in bed would have been.

I wondered why I didn’t take my five year old’s advice.

Listen to your Mum, Mums always know best. Sons know a good thing or two, too.